The Quiver: The CEO has broken Florida

BY CHRIS GOMES

The state of Florida is known for its remarkably strange climate, drug dealers, politicians, reptiles and—most importantly—Florida Man. Although Florida Man may seem crazy at times, he’s not the only thing that sets the “Sunshine State” apart from the rest of the country. Florida is known for its tropical climate, but it appears the state decided it didn’t want to give in to normalcy.

In recent weeks, Florida has undergone behavioral changes, which have been influencing its weather. Florida seems to be unsure of whether or not it wants its weather to be cold or the normal tropical weather Floridians are used to. The change in weather, although only a couple weeks old, has played a major role in influencing Floridians’ psyche.

“I think it’s too cold for me to do anything newsworthy,” Florida Man said. “The cold weather prohibits my ability to participate in my daily activities.”

Along with Florida Man, others like him have had similar remarks on the issue.

“The change in weather makes it very difficult for me to tend to my pet gator,” Florida Juvenile, son of Florida Man, said. “I can’t wait until I can feed my gator and see him again.”

“I think it’s too cold for me to do anything newsworthy. The cold weather prohibits my ability to participate in my daily activities.”

Florida Man

Many theorize that the sudden cold fronts are part of a scheme orchestrated by the CEO of Florida, an anonymous figure who rarely ever shows themself. Theorists have pointed to his abilities to change the weather at ease, among other bold, destructive moves.

Although the CEO of Florida’s arsenal is unknown, one can easily assume some of the many things this individual has control over. For example, many theorists have assumed that the CEO of Florida has the power to create hurricanes.

As said earlier, the CEO rarely acts on their powers. Rather, the majority of the time, the CEO allows for the natural circumstances to occur. However, Florida has had a spike in cold fronts, and these can only be attributed to the CEO attempting to send a message to Floridians.

Judging from the increased frequency of the CEO’s action, experts believe that something is wrong with Florida, but don’t exactly know what it is.

Florida always has something wrong, but this event appears to be especially unusual. Florida Woman had a few words to voice her fear after the event.

“I am Florida Woman, rarely fearful of anything. But the idea of a CEO of Florida who has more power, notoriety and influence than me is definitely a fearful sight.”

Florida Woman

“I am Florida Woman, rarely fearful of anything,” Florida Woman said. “But the idea of a CEO of Florida who has more power, notoriety and influence than me is definitely a fearful sight.”

The CEO rarely steps in, but they have decided that it is finally time to do so. The civilians of Florida will likely be forever confused, but the CEO is possibly attempting to foreshadow a terrible event in the future, through the powers of weather-changing. 

We must listen to the CEO of Florida.

This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.

Photo courtesy of The New York Times