The Quiver: Researchers uncover the science behind Florida Man

BY GENNA NORDLING

After three years of research and five million dollars of government-issued research grants, scientists have finally revealed that there is a genetic factor behind the beloved “Florida Man.”

In a September 18 press conference, Gerald Cox, the spokesperson for the Federal Floridian Behavior Analysis Unit (FFBAU)— a government-funded organization created by the Trump Administration to better understand Florida— stated that they are closer to understanding why the Florida Man phenomenon is so prominent and that there may be a scientific explanation behind its existence.

“According to our research team, there is a correlation between Florida Man behavior and a mutation in the CRA-zy gene,” Cox said at the press conference. “The mutation was present in most of the subjects we tested, so we suspect it is the driving force behind the outlandish behavior observed in Florida.”

The FFBAU report, which was published in Futile Scientific Journal, details that a mutation in the CRA-zy gene can be caused by normal mutagens such as radiation or air pollution, but the main cause of the CRA-zy mutation is a lack of a change in seasons.

“According to our research team, there is a correlation between Florida Man behavior and a mutation in the CRA-zy gene.”

FFBAU spokesperson Gerald Cox

Florida is notorious for being warm and sunny— or, more accurately, humid and rainy— all year round. It is this weather cycle, or lack thereof, that may be causing the “Florida Man epidemic.”

“The lack of seasons in Florida is certainly a cause of the Florida Man gene mutation,” gene specialist and FFBAU researcher Giada Pelagic said. “But this may mean that other states, such as California and Arizona, that rarely see changes in the seasons have their own Florida Man problem. The other FFBAU researchers that specialize in Florida Men and I plan to expand our research to other states in order to confirm this suspicion.”

As of right now, there has been no research conducted about the possible causes of whether a Florida Man decides to do something involving alligators, drugs, sexual misconduct or all three, but the FFBAU also intends to look further into this issue.

Those concerned about their CRA-zy gene can visit a gene specialist like Pelagic to see if the gene is present and whether it is likely to mutate or not. Thanks to a new gene-editing program, the general public will be able to add the gene if they wish to have it, but scientists have not yet figured out how to remove the gene.

“I just feel so much closer to the state I love so very much.”

Florida resident Carl Loom

“I moved to Florida when I was 11, so the [CRA-zy] gene was not present in my body,” Florida resident Carl Loom said. “But I saw a gene specialist, and they were able to put the Florida Man gene into my DNA.”

While outsiders see Florida Man as something that makes Florida crazier, residents of the state find him endearing, and those with the gene do not consider it to be a bad thing.

“I don’t know if [the Florida Man gene] will mutate or not, but I’m so glad that this was an option for me,” Loom said. “I just feel so much closer to the state I love so very much.”

This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.

Photo by The Lariat Photography