As of late, there have been countywide reports of a wild monkey running rampant through the streets of Broward County. The monkey, commonly referred to as Mikey by his fellow primate companions, was recently ousted from his home in the colony of monkeys located in the Dania Beach area.
Mikey was originally displaced when a new male arrived and pushed him out of the pack.
“We believe that he was basically kicked out of his social group,” Missy Williams, with the Dania Beach Vervet Project, said. “A new male showed up and he was displaced, and typically in the wild, males will look for a new social group when that happens.”
The primate was seen strutting past the King of Diamonds strip club prior to his appearance in Embassy Lakes. From that point on, only simian-like nonsense would transpire.
Mikey felt rather at home as he traipsed about the residential homes in Embassy Lakes, as was stated by homeowner Harriet Loughlin, a mother of four who has lived in the neighborhood for fifteen years.
“When I stepped outside I just couldn’t believe what I saw right before my eyes,” Loughlin said. “There was a little monkey just running wildly with a pair of my gardening gloves on its head. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I screamed for my husband to come down saying ‘Harold, there’s a monkey running around in my hydrangeas.’”
However, Loughlin was not alone in her fears of the primate terrorizing the neighborhood, destroying the flowerbeds of all those he may come upon. The young monkey was spotted holding a pair of gardening shears and seemingly conversing with some of the neighborhood pets. Many of the residents in Embassy Lakes were off-put by these incidents.
“Listen, all we know is that there is a monkey on the loose,” Cooper City Mayor Greg Ross said. “Whether or not it has malicious intent is up for debate. Maybe it wants to plan world domination and maybe it’s just an animal that wants to leave its excrements about the neighborhood.”
Ross has sought to confront the issue by reassuring the citizens of the greater Cooper City area that the simian will be taken into custody and returned to its home in Dania. However, should the tiny suspect not come willingly, Ross has also clarified that it will be placed in “monkey jail.”
“Monkey jail is precisely what you think it is,” said Ross. “Jail for monkeys. It’s not quite a new innovation, but we’ve decided upon the creation of a separate cell block within our prison for any monkeys who might encroach on our lands.”
Many of the residents of Embassy Lakes have continued to dial 911 in order to report numerous monkey sightings and incidents. Thus far Mikey has been accused of attempting to conquer the Embassy Lakes area.
“I’m not saying it’s a war on monkeys,” said Ross. “It’s a war on Mikey.”
With Ross’s continued efforts and the entire backlash of one community against a single monkey, the students at Cooper City High have begun to speak in defense of the primate.
“To be fair, I’d be pretty peeved if I was kicked from my home by another monkey,” said an anonymous junior. “But, really, if I could just get my mom’s attention for once rather than having to cope with my depression alone, I’d be happy. She’s obsessed with her damn garden, and, because the monkey destroyed it, I haven’t been getting the attention I need.”
Mikey’s presence in the Embassy Lakes neighborhood has been an eventful instance in the community’s history.
This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.
Photo by Noah Lamdanski
