The Quiver: High schooler announces retirement

BY DARIAN SABLON

The word retirement often evokes images of senior citizens playing shuffleboard on cruise ships or shouting bingo at their local community centers. However, that idea may soon change, with breaking news coming out of CCHS last week of senior Carla Diggs announcing her retirement once she graduates from high school in June.

“I’ve done my time,” Diggs said. “School has been basically a full-time job for me and I feel as if it’s time for me to take a long and deserved break.”

The news of Diggs’s retirement comes as a shock to many who know her. Diggs was widely recognized as a hard worker who put in her all at school, turning in assignments always on time and never failing to impress all of those around. However, for those closest to her, they saw this coming.

“She’s been talking about retirement for a long time now,” Diggs’s best friend Richard Mann said. “She’s tried so hard at school that it’s basically depleted her of any motivation to keep working. Honestly, I’m proud of her.”

There are many parents, who disagree with Diggs’s announcement of her retirement and see her actions as a  scary influence on other students. Concerned parents fear other students will follow suit and retire without even entering the workforce and becoming attached to a miserable job for the rest of their lives, never finding true happiness and awaiting the sweet age of 65 where they can finally retire.

“I’ve done my time,” Diggs said. “School has been basically a full-time job for me and I feel as if it’s time for me to take a long and deserved break.”

“I’m afraid for what this means for my kid,” mother Jenna Red said. “My hope for my child is for him to be stuck at a mindless job for the majority of his existence until he’s able to retire only to realize that the best days of his life are behind him and that the best he can hope for is to be visited by family, if they even remember he exists. ”

There are those who question the financial viability of Diggs’s decision. Having not really worked a day in her life as part of the workforce, there’s no real money that she can draw from as a retirement fund.

“I don’t know how she expects to sustain herself, it’s not like there’s any money she can really use,” financial advisor and professional elf spotter Alfred Moneypenny said.

Despite many who doubt her choice and rationale, Diggs and her family and friends move on towards a potentially happy future with no regrets of having retired.

“There’s no going back now, it’s here and forever,” Diggs said.

The Quiver hopes the best for in her endeavors in the future and beyond.

This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.

Photo courtesy of thebalance.com