This past week, an intense scene took place in a local bank on the streets of Cooper City as a hardened criminal stole valuable items under the noses of everyone. Luckily, the police were able to apprehend the perpetrator after an intense high speed car chase and return the stolen goods to their rightful owners in the bank.
“I was there and let me tell you it was scary,” Cooper City citizen Richard Barker said. “I’m glad that the police were able to divert all of their resources to catching this madman and putting him behind bars.”
The “madman” in question is Charles Bacon. Once a well-respected citizen of Cooper City, he is now widely known for his horrendous crime.
On Monday of last week, Bacon was seen stealing pens from the local bank, despite their no free pens policy. Unlike most banks, the local one has a strict rule against giving out pens, having had incidents in the past where people would take the whole basket and leave the bank absolutely penless. In order to ensure that everyone knows about this rule, there’s even a giant sign on the wall that reads “NO FREE PENS.” Yet Bacon disregarded all of this and with no remorse took one of the really fancy ones.
“I was shocked when I saw this, and I immediately knew I had to do something,” bank teller Laura Moneypenny said. “I knew I couldn’t stop him by myself so I took the most sensible action and called the police.”
Once they were notified, the police jumped into action and poured all of their resources to catch the monster Charles Bacon. They quickly closed down all roads around the bank, hid in the bushes and waited for Bacon to walk straight into their arms. Bacon began to fall into their trap but without notice made a right onto one of the streets the police forgot to block off. Thus, a high speed car chase took place as the police reassembled and began to hunt Bacon down.
“It was thrilling to watch,” Cooper City resident Banta Parker said. “They were speeding down the highway like daredevils. The police were probably going at 50 and the guy 55. I’ve never seen anyone go that fast around these parts.”
By using all their resources at hand the police were able to capture a stunned Bacon a couple of blocks from the bank, who most likely thought that a criminal mastermind like him would have never been caught. He was taken in and charged with a first degree felony and is now facing 45 years in a maximum security prison.
“I hope that the kids learn something from this,” Moneypenny said. “In Cooper City, crime doesn’t pay. There’s nowhere to run or hide. We will find you.”
This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.
Photo courtesy of Tony Webster on Flickr