BY DARIAN SABLON
At 7:00 PM on October 3rd, 2016, President Barack Obama declared a state of emergency as a response to the increased sightings of clowns across the country, pushing many to declare that these are the prophesied end of times.
“I consider the clown epidemic quite serious considering today’s modern warfare,” CCHS Junior Daniella Alvarez said. “Clowns present too much of a threat to the state’s efforts of peace and prosperity. Obama has definitely defined a common threat to the American people.”
These clown sightings have occurred everywhere, from Tampa, Florida all the way to California, scaring innocents to the point of insanity, a possible indicator of psychic powers. In fact, there are numerous rumors surrounding these sinister jokers, ranging from aliens from another world to Trump supporters simply on a midnight stroll. Whatever the case may be, the matter of the fact is that these jesters of the night have terrorized ordinary civilians and law enforcement, throwing cities into chaos.
“I, as an American citizen, am glad that the President is addressing the clown problem at hand with the utmost priority,” CCHS Senior Juan Cifuentes said.
After pressure from Homeland Security, President Obama declared a state of emergency, sending troops across the country to try to fight the clowns and establish order. However, initial reports of the fighting have shown that the U.S. military has been incapable of stopping the clowns. Nuclear force has not been ruled out according to the White House and that it will be used if necessary to protect the welfare of the United States.
“It’s ludicrous for Obama to call the clown sightings a state emergency because they’re not doing anything to harm anyone else,” CCHS Junior Kitana Rojas said. “The most they could possibly do is loiter/trespass and scare people with coulrophobia.”
The Quiver will keep readers updated on the events as they occur. May we all survive.
