Reports from various news outlets have come in describing what many are labeling as the most daring crime of the century. According to the Quiver’s sources, a gang of dairy enthusiasts, known as the Cheddar Boys, have stolen over 300 pounds of cream cheese, 200 ounces of string cheese and a single pound of the rare Lord of the Hundreds cheese.
“I am absolutely shocked that someone could even pull this off successfully,” owner of the cheese factory Jack Colby said. “You have to be the lowest of the low to do this.”
The heist comes at a point when cheese and related dairy products have become highly scarce around the nation. Many dairy companies have gone out of business with the decreasing supply and have been left with only the memories of the gouda old days. For many cheese experts, this high-profile crime might be the beginning of a new trend as people get more desperate for their cheesy goods and turn to black market dealers.
For many cheese experts, this high-profile crime might be the beginning of a new trend as people get more desperate for their cheesy goods and turn to black market dealers.
“I think the black market for cheese definitely bleu up as people have become tired of the soaring prices as a result of the low supply,” expert cheese economist Danny Swiss said.
Sheriff Brown was present at the scene when the crime was being committed and confronted the Cheddar Boys. He tried to pull the nearby ‘In Queso of Emergency’ alarm but was promptly attacked as the criminals drove away in their getaway van, leaving behind only wrappers and dust in their tracks. Brown was off duty when he discovered that the cheese from being stolen from the Colby factory and was only a day out from his retirement before he was attacked by the Cheddar Boys.
“I’ve known Brown for many years now and he was really excited for his retirement, he had a vacation to the Bahamas planned and everything,” Officer Moss A’Rella said. “He was the best of us so it’s really sad that such a thing would happen to him in such an unexpected way.”
Despite being widely known for their dairy-related antics, the identity of the Cheddar Boys is one of the biggest mysteries in the region. Clues have lead to a general description of the Cheddar Boys being that they consist of four people all with secret code names and cheese disguises. Their central headquarters is being constantly wheeled every 24 hours so no one knows where they are really in a single given moment, making it harder for authorities to catch them.
If anyone has information on the recent cheese heist or the Cheddar Boys, contact the local authorities or reach out to the Quiver’s hotline 1800-THIS-IS-A-PHONE-NUMBER where our editor Edam will write down any tips given to us by our readers.
If anyone has information on the recent cheese heist or the Cheddar Boys, contact the local authorities or reach out to the Quiver’s hotline 1800-THIS-IS-A-PHONE-NUMBER where our editor Edam will write down any tips given to us by our readers. Stay safe out there.
This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone is offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.
Photo courtesy of EURACTIVE