In recent months, questions about the future of the Quiver have spread among the famed news organization’s fan base like wildfire. Rumors such as the chief writer renouncing all worldly possessions and becoming a monk or the Quiver turning into a fast food chain have become commonplace, making long-term readers fear the worst.
“I read the Quiver every day for daily news,” reader Julia Quill said. “Stories like the ‘Crocodile Dundee reboot,’ ‘The Christmas Clauspiracy’ or ‘The new university policies for applicants’ would have disappeared from the public eye were it not for the Quiver.”
To put these rumors to rest, the Quiver held a press conference where it answered any burning questions the public had. The information released at the press conference will be detailed here. It is true that the chief writer did leave the publication after a falling out, but he has not become a monk. Instead, he has become a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or, as it’s more commonly known, Pastafarianism. Rumors that the Quiver had been planning to become a fast food restaurant are also true, but no one in the staff really knew how to cook tacos, hamburgers or anything edible so that idea died pretty quickly.
“I read the Quiver every day for daily news,” reader Julia Quill said.
“I can’t even fathom such a thing,” reader Charles Sagan said. “The article about the summer’s top jams changed the way I saw life and saved my marriage, thanks to the Quiver.”
In the face of severe financial troubles, the Quiver did the only thing it could do and sold itself off to the Walt Disney Corporation. Although it took some convincing since the Disney company was not in need of a journalistic organization, they were won over by the heartfelt and personal stories the Quiver has been known for, such as the one about a boy who couldn’t build a sandcastle and, as a result, was shunned by his family.
“The article about the summer’s top jams changed the way I saw life and saved my marriage, thanks to the Quiver.”
Readers don’t have to worry. Although now part of a more family-friendly environment, the Quiver will keep seeking the truth for all of its readers. Whether it be a high school trying to secretly create an ice rink on their third floor, an author trying to redefine a genre or the end of the world, the pure journalistic integrity that the Quiver has cultivated over the years will continue.
“There’s no newspaper like it,” reader Sham O’Reilly said. “Where else am I going to learn about the important societal problems that affect our world today? In such a complex and overly polarized country, I can only trust the BBC to bring me the news I need to stay up to date.”
Also, in keeping with the Quiver’s contract with the Walt Disney Corporation, we must tell you that “Incredibles 2”, sequel to the classic Pixar original “The Incredibles” comes out June 15, 2018.
Photo by The Lariat