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BY DARIAN SABLON
Over the weekend, in the midst of rumors of shaky health, Clinton’s pneumonia virus released to the press a copy of medical records, with a statement from his personal doctor saying that he was in perfect “cardiovascular” health.
“I really don’t understand why people are doubting me,” Clinton’s pneumonia said. “Have you seen the footage of Clinton fainting? That’s all me.”
Speculation of the virus not being in the best of shape started last Saturday when Clinton was seen at the morning seminar, ‘How To Make People Believe You Have Emotions: Part 2’, without having a single coughing fit. In order to clear up any misunderstandings, the virus scheduled a visit to his personal doctor and friend, Mr. Love-Robinson, or as his patients know him, Dr. Love, releasing the results the day after. In the analysis, Dr. Love described Clinton’s pneumonia as having excellent low cholesterol and cardiovascular health…
“I’ve never seen anyone with such great health, I wish all my patients had such results,” Dr. Love commented. “It’s so rare that you see patients like this, there’s no doubt in my mind that he can infect Clinton for months, if not years in my medical opinion.”
There has also been confirmation that the virus will appear on the Dr.Oz show, one of America’s finest and most dependable medical show, beaten only by the long-running Grey’s Anatomy. Dr. Oz is set to analyze the records in front of national television with Clinton’s pneumonia present and it’s expected that the episode will reach a record high of 5.2 million viewers.
“I hope from now on, people don’t judge a book by its cover and just assume that I’m getting weak,” the virus said. “I feel like I’m 37 again.”
Although currently making do in Clinton’s lungs, the virus has high hopes to make it to the big leagues, with one specific politician in mind.
“Oh for sure I’m gonna leave Clinton, although she’s nice and stuff, her body is just deplorable for people in my business. Tim Kaine, though, now that’s a guy I can get behind,” Clinton’s pneumonia laughed.
Dr. Love was unavailable for further comments, although there are reports of there being some confusion between him and a car dealership in Virginia.