BY NOAH CASTAGNA
Two Florida parents are reportedly looking into giving their child up for adoption after he built an amateur sandcastle on a trip to the beach the weekend prior. The Williams family had planned the trip to the beach to bring their family closer over the beloved tradition, but after seeing 8-year old Trent Williams’ shoddy workmanship, mother Agnes Williams and father William Williams were destroyed.
Florida is a hot spot for major league sand castle building, and the Williams family is no exception.
“I know he’s only eight, but…I was horrified,” Agnes Williams admitted. “At this age he should be sculpting at an experienced level, but his performance today was amateur.”
Indeed, professional sand sculpting is a huge part of the Williams family’s life; by age 9 Agnes had taken home wins from two state and one national competition and by age 12 William became a legend as the reigning champion of the Fort Myers’ Sand Bash. 8 year old Trent, however, has failed to accomplish much in the professional circuit, taking home a participation trophy from Blue Water SandFest and third place from a school-based competition.
“The Williams are what many sand sculptors aspire to be,” international sandcastle judge Derek Dillard told the Quiver. “I hope they resolve their familial issues and continue to inspire us for many generations to come.”
William and Agnes have submitted samples to three hospitals and are awaiting genetic test results. In the meantime, they are looking into moving Trent to Colorado to live with relatives, or even have gone so far as to consider giving the child up for adoption.
“Sand sculpting is in our blood,” William Williams said. “It’s not about one child versus another child- it’s about our legacy.”
The family has requested they be published under pseudonyms to protect their identities and have asked for the Quiver to not post any official documentation that the sandcastle was ever built. We will keep our readers up to date on the child’s condition and the future sand sculpting endeavors of the Williams family.
This is a satirical article and should not be taken seriously. It was written with the intent of making people laugh. Any information here is most likely false and should not be quoted as fact. However, if this article is used for anything other than its recreational use, the writer and Cooper City High School claim no responsibility if anyone gets offended, injured or otherwise hurt in any way.